Tomorrow

I have been dreading Tomorrow.  It has been a distant threat for so long...like a hurricane.  I have been secretly wishing for 8 weeks now that I possessed a time turner like Hermione Granger in Harry Potter.  I want to relive these last two months.  I want to stop time and just be a mom.  I know how difficult it is to be a stay at home mom - trust me.  I get to be one every year for two months.  But for right now, I just want to be a mom.  I don't want to worry about other people's children.  I don't want to think about Lucy screaming and someone who is not her mother comforting her.  I want to see her reach milestones first.  I want to stay with Lucy.  Period.  I am selfish but this is what I want.

Leaving Jack at daycare was so so hard.  It tore my heart out to drop him off and I remember calling Andy from the parking lot at La Petite and crying on the phone to him about how I couldn't do this.  But here's the deal, i had Jack at home with me for 5 weeks longer.  I had 14 weeks of constant one-on-one time with him.  And yes, it was still difficult to leave him.  It's been 2 1/2 years of daycare and it's STILL hard to leave him.  But I feel like Lucy is getting the short end of the stick.  I am putting her in daycare at 10 weeks.  I have had to split my time between her and Jack - so she never got to fully enjoy the one-on-one constant time like he did.  She has had to share me with Jack AND with housework and school and grading and basically my own selfish needs.  She is getting shafted.  I never nursed Jack in the middle of the night while grading essays.  I never left Jack screaming on the boppy so I could fix the other child a snack or take him to the potty in time. She's had to put up with so much more and I get it - she's the 2nd one!  But that doesn't stop the guilt.  I feel guilt.  I will ALWAYS feel guilt.  And I will feel it until May 24th when my summer vacation begins.  So until then, I must soak up every second.  And on that note, I am going to wake her up so I can lay her in bed (weird I know) and get ready for Tomorrow.