Not feeling it

Warning:  This is a cathartic post that mostly is just me missing the Bean.  Move on for happier posts :)


It has been 2 months and 18 days since we lost The Fat and although I hate to admit it, I'm still just not feeling it.  By 'feeling it' I mean feeling the need to move on.  There is still a hole in our lives, an absence that cannot be filled, an inadvertent pull to turn the shopping cart down the pet care aisle and buy treats when I'm at Kroger.  I know it takes longer than 2.5 months to adjust one's life to a 14 year habit.  But I also keep wondering when that point is going to come.  We have packed up all of her stuff and placed it in the attic.  She still has a place on our fridge and in our picture frames but I've moved all toys and Bean paraphernalia from sight.

But nothing is really helping.  Every night I expect her to jump up on the chair with me and snuggle as we watch tv.  I still set aside bites of my dinner to feed to her.  I will see bunnies and (this is ridiculous - rude, malicious, unwelcome, ballsy, disgusting cats) roam our backyard and my first instinct is to open the door and yell, "Get 'em Bean!"  It's so hard adjusting to life without her and there are times I look at Goose and think, "It's not fair."  It's not fair that she doesn't grow up with the most amazing puppy sister ever.  It's not fair that Bean doesn't get to watch the little girl she protected so well and stayed up for every feeding and diaper change grow up to a big girl.  There's a lot that's not fair.

But what is also not fair is the fact that this sadness about Life without Bean has translated into a disinterest with other areas of our lives (most obvious for me is blogging.)  I love chronicling our family's life but I haven't felt much like doing it when I don't really like how our family has shrunk in the last few months.  And the last thing I want is for people to suggest that we need another dog.  You can't replace a Bean with a dog.  That's like replacing the Crown Jewels with a Ring Pop.  There is just no replacement right now.  And I think that is also a disservice to do to any puppy out there looking for a loving home.  Ours just isn't the best place right now.

So for now, I'm going to make a concerted effort to get back into the groove.  To celebrate the little (and big) things that are happening to us.  To recognize that our family will heal and that we will always be aware of her absence but will one day rejoice at how much joy she brought to this family.  That one day I won't wake up and immediately think about letting her out or look for her in our bed or miss how the top of her head smelled.  That I won't miss her puppy ole puppy sigh every time she curled up against us and was truly happy.  Come April, I think I will finally be able to put some closure to all of this once we can make our Bean Garden.  We need a place to remember the Bean and also I would like to create something that is rabbit and cat proof/resistant (b/c they need to remember who is boss in this yard.  Do they make anti-rabbit plants???)  Either way, I can't wait to bring in a new season with Bean in mind.  We miss her every day and are still so grateful that we had 14 years with her.  But it is still a process that we are working through.  In the spirit of Spring Cleaning, I need to clean this house of the gloom and bring in the warmth that comes with happy memories and thoughts of how great The Fat truly was.